Sukkah 48: Discipline by Trial and Etrog

Sometimes the Talmud goes on and on with a list of not-so-exciting rules and then out of nowhere comes an amazing little anecdote or story that changes everything.  

That happened in today's daf and I promise this story is a true gem.

The discussion in Sukkah 48b focuses on the rituals surrounding the water libation offered during Sukkot during the time of the Temple.  We learn that the priests were supposed to pour water into one of two spouts (the other was for wine) on the altar as an offering to God.  We learn a ton of details about how the offering took place and eventually get to the following anecdote:

"To the priest who performed the libation they use to say, "Raise your hand" for on a certain occasion, a certain man (a Saducee) poured out the water over his feet and all the people pelted him with their etrogs."  

Later we learn that on that day the horn on the altar became damaged and rendered invalid because of "some hard missiles that caught it."  In other words, the people missed the man and damaged the altar with their etrogs.

Oops!

This story is a perfect anecdote for those of us on the cusp of figuring out how to effectively discipline a testy two year old who just became a big sister.   Just yesterday, not unlike the Saducee in our story, Ariella was painting beautifully at the table when, out of nowhere, she looked me directly in the eye and poured the cup of water on the floor.

Why did she do it? Who knows.  Why did the Saducee do it?  Who knows and who cares. It is not the point of the story.  If it was, the rabbis would have had something to say about it.  The point of the story is how ineffectively and inappropriately the people responded and how that response served as an impetus for change.

Pelting the man with etrogs was clearly the wrong choice.  This attempt at discipline backfired and the people ended up punishing themselves by destroying their own ability to offer sacrifices to God.  If this story doesn't teach us the power of our reactions, I'm not sure what will.

As a parent of a testy two year old, this lesson can not be repeated enough.  I'm fairly certain that I will never throw an etrog at my children but I can't say with the same certainty that I will always react in the most effective way.  Hopefully, with the help of a few good parenting books and the experience of disciplining Ariella through this stage, Asher will stand a chance at being the recipient of effective discipline!

So, how does the story end and what does it teach us?  The rabbis suggest that because of this ineffective attempt at discipline, a new rule was instated for ALL priests before they offered their libations.  Now, because of this one incident, all priests have to raise their hands before making the offering.* This act was not intended as a punishment, but rather as an attempt to prevent a similar incident from reoccurring.

We hold the same methodology today.  In the world of education, we try to cultivate a safe and structured learning environment so as to avoid the vast majority of disciplinary situations before they occur.  This doesn't mean that you never have to discipline in a classroom.  It just means that many incidents can be avoided before they occur.  Our challenge is to do our best to prevent what we can, and do our best to respond appropriately when we can't.  The hope is that we, like the rabbis, will learn from our mistakes and institute new rules as we go that work for all parties involved.

*I'm actually not sure how this serves as an effective preventative measure, but apparently it did.

Back in the Game

Four years ago I took on the challenge of reading a page of Talmud a day, participating in the cycle known as Daf Yomi, which literally means 'a page a day.'   I made it from Feb 14, 2010 through June 5th, 2010, reading the entire tractate of Sanhedrin.  I tried to continue with Tractate Makot but life got in the way and I gave up.   I've missed it every day since but not quite enough to recommit... It just didn't seem possible to fit it into my schedule, especially after my daughter was born two years ago.  I try to spend all my free time with her and with my husband and at night I'm too exhausted to think.

Then, I had a second baby.  I recognize that having a second child probably seems like the absolute worst time to take on daf yomi.  But, here's the thing: Along with the craziness of a two year old and an infant, there is also this beautiful thing called nursing.  I currently spend approximately 5 hours of my day nursing and many of these hours are in the middle of the night.    Some women have figured out how to sleep while they nurse but unfortunately I haven't been able to master that task.  Obviously there is nothing better than staring at a nursing baby and I spend a significant amount of time doing just that.  But my brain doesn't let me do that for an entire nursing session.  And so, amidst the insanity of my new life with two small children, I end up also spending an inordinate amount of time sitting on the couch staring at my iPhone.  In the past two weeks, I've taken more Buzzfeed quizzes than I'm willing to admit.  I've read 10,000 articles about #Flight370.  I've probably stalked you on Facebook more than once.   Finally, this morning, after watching a video of a sports reporter falling on his face while running into a stadium, I realized I could be doing better things with my time.  

SO...

Hello, iTalmud!  Hello again, daf yomi! 

Last time, I set and achieved a goal of making it through one tractate.  This time, my goal is to continue reading a page a day as long as I am nursing.  I don't know how often I'll blog but when I do, I'll do my best to relate the content of the daf to life as a reform rabbi with two young kiddos.  There are a lot of daf yomi blogs out there (check out this amazing one!!) and there are a trillion more mommy blogs.  I believe, though I could be wrong, this is the first attempt at bringing the two together.  We'll see how it goes!

DAY ONE:  SUKKAH 42

I'm starting in the middle of tractate Sukkah, page 42, picking up on a discussion about the laws surrounding carrying a lulav on Sukkot.  There is a new mishnah, which means a new topic is introduced and will be discussed at length in the following gemara. The mishnah states that a minor (someone under the age of 13) who knows how to shake the lulav, is obligated to do so!  The gemara goes on to provide multiple other examples of instances where a minor is obligated to fulfill a commandment if he knows how to perform it.   One of the examples states that if a minor knows how to wrap himself in a tallit, he is subject to the obligation of tzitzit.  Basically, this means that a child who knows how to wear a tallit before the age of 13 should wear one.   This is actually a pretty huge deal and contrary to the way we teach about what it means to become bar/bat mitzvah today!  Today, even though our students know how to wrap themselves in a tallit before they become bar/bat mitzvah, they don't.  Instead, we make a big deal about wearing a tallit as a symbolic ritual act done on the day of a child's bar/bat mitzvah as a way to celebrate the transition "adulthood" and the increased responsibility that comes with it. 

This page of Talmud suggests that obligation, or responsibility, has more to do with knowledge and individual ability than it does with age.  It acknowledges that childhood development varies and some young people may be ready to accept responsibilities (like shaking a lulav or wearing a tallit) at 11 or 12 while others are not ready until 13.  This teaching could transform the way we approach bar/bat mitzvah education and preparation.  Instead of asking each student to complete the same tasks, on the same timeline, perhaps we need to do a better job of tailoring the experience according to the abilities of each of our students.  In the same way that we already make accommodations for children with special needs, we could do more to tailor the experience for all our students, who learn and connect to God in very different ways. 

The same is true for parenting in general.  I just stopped receiving the weekly e-mails from BabyCenter.com that told me how big my baby was, and what kind of new tricks he was learning in the womb.  There is a short sentence at the end of each BabyCenter update that everyone always ignores: 

Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development.

Even though I know this is true, I'd much rather hold on to small facts like, "this week your baby is the size of an eggplant!"  There is so much uncertainty during pregnancy that any information holds significant power, even when we know it is just a guess.  The week before I gave birth, my midwife told me she thought my baby was going to be somewhere in the 6 pound range.  My baby was born 8 lb 15 oz! 

The uncertainty of development during pregnancy continues well beyond the womb and we, as a society, continue to obsess over developmental milestones.  BabyCenter and other websites provide updates after birth, telling us what milestones we can expect our babies and toddlers to achieve as they grow and what we should be doing to encourage our children to reach these milestones.  Even as adults we have expectations for when people should go to college, enter a career, get married, have kids, and retire. Meeting one of these milestones too early or too late is often the source of criticism, concern or at the least commentary.

Today's daf reminds us to acknowledge and celebrate our differences, particularly toward those who achieve milestones ahead of expectations.  It serves as a reminder for me as a rabbi to meet b'nai mitzvah students where they are and a reminder to me as a parent not to obsess over what I read on the internet!